-
-
Can you really imagine writing the exact same way you did six years ago? Would you really want that? Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure I get where you're coming from here. You miss the the passion in your voice and the unreserved, unrestrained "I don't give a shit" turn of phrase that was so much more liberally peppered throughout the words.

Sure, I miss reading some of that, too. (I haven't been around for the full six years, but long enough, eh?) There may be that loss (or what you consider a loss), but there have been gains, too. I love having met Foy. I love you teaching me how to read the bible, and how some communion wafers taste like stale cardboard. I love the unintentional (and brave) invitation into your home, and your family. Hell, even *I* now feel a small twinge of pain every time I hear the name Elliot. And I love so much more besides.

And I (we) could never have had so much of that if you'd stuck with the old voice. I mean, sure, get away, by yourself, and pound on your keyboard like a drum. I'll listen to whatever beat you fancy.

Hey Preacher, all fifty of us are still here, and real, not imaginary. We understand that times change, you change - heck, we've changed too. But we still like hearing about whatever portions of your life and your thoughts you care to share with us. So go on your walk, do your thinking, and let us know how you work it out. I hope you come to a comfortable place where you can write what and how you want to write, while still keeping your family protected, supported and happy.

Hugs from Karen from Pittsburgh, who's been here since your old anonymous RLP Salon days and still likes reading.

Like Karen said, we fifty are still here (and then some, I'm sure). Your writing still inspires me, even your "professional" voice. Should you find yourself writing passionately and with abandon here again because it feeds *your* soul, I will rejoice at you finding a way to serve your needs as well as ours. This journal was for you in the first place, with us as co-conspirators, and I will always consider that the first function ("prime directive") of any blog - to fill the needs of the author. Thank you for ALL of your writings to date, and I look forward to what more you share with us in the future.

I agree with you Preacher. I read back over some of my old stuff and wonder who that guy was and where did he go? I started blogging to get in practice to write my novel, but now all I do is blog. Life goes on: relationships come and go, causes get replaced with new ones or we get burned out on causes, we think we have something to say but no one responds and we're left wondering if we're just clueless and everyone else has moved on and left us behind. The years pass and the dreams are never realized.

Find your voice Preacher. We'll be here.

Isn't this the danger of professionalism? When you were just a writer and not a professional you could say whatever the hell you wanted. But now you are professional with the constraints and responsibilities that brings. Your passion became work.

Someone asked George Will once if he would ever think of becoming the commissioner of baseball because of his love for the game. He said, "No, then it would become work and baseball is the only thing I've got that isn't work."

Once I was a guy who loved music and then I became a professional and now I hardly do music anymore. It just sort of dried up in me. It became my job, not my passion. I had to perform to get paid, not because I wanted to but because I had to.

I know this doesn't happen to everyone and they are fortunate, indeed. But yes, I think this is the danger of professionalism.

Hello Preacher

I guess I am amongst those 50 people. I am still reading and you should still be writing. The best way to clear a writers block is to get a change of scenery. Get away for a bit and clear your head you might find something out there.

Jeremy

One of the far distant fifty in Australia waves.

Janet McKinney

I can easily understand how the blogging process can break that sense of intimacy with your audience; but rest assured, we are here, and while we may seem faceless due to the medium, our stark realities that you unfortunately don't get to see (unless we find our way down to SA) are frequently and profoundly affected by the words of one man's honest words.

Sometimes, I feel like your honesty on the page (virtual though that page may be) is more personal and real to me than the conversations I have with the majority of the people I spend my day with in dialogue.

You get in my head. You make me think. You allow me to see the world in a way completely new to me. You make me cherish my faith in a way I hadn't ever realized previously, and simultaneously realize that I'm not the only one who experiences the painful realities that this life of faith entails. It's a blessing, and I've been grateful in all of the entries' incarnations (and to Stacy McKenna Seip, above, who was my introduction).

You must do what is best for you -- and we, your ongoing audience, will support. And God will abide. And bless, in the quirky ways he does.

Dear RLP,

I was struck when you wrote, "I mean, suddenly people act like my opinion matters. Why? It never did before. I was an unknown pastor of a quirky little church in San Antonio back then. I’m still the pastor of that quirky little church in San Antonio. What the hell am I doing writing stuff for the Christian Century and going around talking to people and shit? Like I suddenly know things."
Perhaps your opinion now matters to those who have come to know you through your writing because we didn't have a chance to meet you any other way. The community you have created through your writing also gives us permission to seek along with you and not feel like we have to come to the table with all the answers. And for me, it makes me feel that my opinion matters too.
I believe you have been given the gift of voicing thoughts, ideas and concerns that resonate with a wide audience of folks who are fellow seekers. Having read your work for several years, it feels like you come to the table willing to share but also willing to receive what others bring. That's not something many people are willing to do and when I find someone who will, I take notice. I imagine, many believe once you go "public" you better have some answers for folks, I don't hold that to be true.
For me your ever-changing voice is a reflection of the journey and sometimes along the Way you take a side road, sometimes you back-track, or longingly look behind you for what you remember as home and sometimes you stop, rest and look at the map to find your way forward.
Holding you in the Light as you season this concern.
Anna

and i am not the same person reading your writings as i was back when i first started reading RLP. i miss some of that me (and you) but mostly i catch it in glimpses of your current writings, and you still have that way of reaching down past all the front stuff. reading your words helps me get to that part of me. i think i speak for others, thus, i am sorry to say there are more than 50 of us.

I don't think you should go back to who you were.
We're always transforming. You may have lost a quality (or, here, voice), but you can never go back. We can't go back to being five, even if we want to recapture that childlike wonder (even if we're told to come to God's kingdom like a child).
I think you should evaluate what quality or voice you've lost, and yes, recapture that, but integrate it into who you are now. Reintegrated it will probably be different, maybe more mature, maybe purer even, but it will be transformed.

It's funny that you should be thinking about this, as I too have gone through a transition, shuttering Pascale's Wager and moving on to a very different sort of writing. It's been painful and yet necessary.

I remember the struggle you went through in emerging from anonymity. Something is always lost when something else is gained.

Let me just offer this thought: anonymity is always available again, whenever you want it. (Remember that old New Yorker cartoon: "On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog."?) You can always claim a chunk of cyberspace for your unfiltered, uncensored voice while continuing to publish here.

Maybe a new, anonymous, outlet could serve as a development lab for you, as well as an emotional outlet.

The catch, of course, is that you have to start out cold, from scratch, again. How will an audience find you among so many, many others now? Do you still want and need an audience for that anonymous voice? Are you prepared to go completely unheard?

You know, I have to say, this post is refreshing. Not in the sense that it's good to see you coming to your senses or something like that. It's more like, I read this post and I see you in it. I see struggle in it, and I see truth in it. It's not current events; it's what you Neeed to say.

In a way it's actually encouraging to hear an author I admire talk about the struggles they have with writing. I'm such a flake about all of my creative work that it damn near paralyzes me.

I recently started reading ARMAGEDDON IN RETROSPECT, a collection of Kurt Vonnegut's later unpublished works and speeches. In the forward, his son Mark speaks about Kurt's near pathological need to write, revise, start over, write, revise, start over. I think all really good writers come to hate the sound of their own voice - or, maybe in the case of the modern blog media, the sound of their own keystrokes.

I was unaware of RLP until about two years ago. I'm trying hard to spend less and less time at the computer to do other things - write, read, take pictures, make music. However, RLP is a place I always return to at least once a week.

I understand the allure of writing anonymously - but, life isn't anonymous. It has ugly bits, sad bits, joyful bits, exciting bits and everything in between. Each bit has a face and a personality. One of the things I've appreciated about your writing is that it is in full context, up to and including the pressure of knowing your words will strike hardest on some and be completely meaningless to others. Life's like that and still we must keep communicating.

Having missed your "coming out" I guess I can't much speak to then versus now. I do know I enjoyed your book and I enjoy reading your blog. As someone who changes their own site's design nearly as much as the weather changes here in northeast Ohio, I've come to realize that the trappings aren't what's important - it's the words on the page. I once counseled a friend of mine who was putting off starting a new venture until she relocated. My advice was simply "it's not where you do it, it's what you do." However you end up presenting your work, I look forward to reading.

Cheers!

jcs

www.justjames.org

Funny, Just checked my RSS feeds as I sat down to review my own writing, and here's this piece by Gordon! I get paid to run our site http://churchrewired.org, which makes me a professional writer too, I guess. Hadn't thought of it like that! But I'm certainly at a spot of needing to review myself and what i am doing. It does make a difference being known and not being anonymous; my old onemansweb.org suffered some of what Gordon talks about as I slowly owned up to who I was. However, I have also felt there is an upside to it all for me; not that I'm saying this should be your experience, Gordon. Firstly, I've been pushed to be much more disciplined as a minister and writer in the way I do things. The attention has actually been good for me; not as an ego thing but as corrective to my tendency to be a bit slack about the way I write and do things.
And in an odd way, the "attention" that comes from being paid to write has been rather freeing. As a somewhat insecure person, it's been rather uplifting that people will pay me to write! So it's kind of been swings and roundabouts. Some freedoms and more off the cuff stuff has been lost, but overall the experience has grown me. Andrew Prior - http://churchrewired.org

Keep unwrapping it. The real deal. Not for us.
But for you.
The you within is worth the effort.

"What I am gradually discovering is that
in the writing
I come in touch with
the Spirit of God."
~ Nouwen

We're always transforming. You may have lost a quality (or, here, voice), but you can never go back. We can't go back to being five, even if we want to recapture that childlike wonder (even if we're told to come to God's kingdom like a child).
affordable research paper

maybe you do need to discover your voice all over again, RLP, but not by going back. The physical voice changes - compare a great singer at 20 and at 35 and at 50 - quite a different sound. You can lose your voice becaue your voice is changing, and then find your newer, older, more experienced voice. I think the voice itself is subject to a process of growth

I am one of yur original 50 and still reading, and still liking what I read. Looking forward to your next phase...

I've just started dropping by, in the last three weeks or so. There's lots of talk here about the 50. May I represent the 51st? I have no means of comparison -- between the old you and the new one -- but I do know that what I see has me coming back here to see what you're up to next.

In my own experience of writing (for newspapers), too, I tend to look back at my old news stories and think, "Wow. I really used to be good." ... It's natural for a writer to be hypercritical of what he/she is working on currently. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. It sorts of goes with the territory, doesn't it?

I had one of those days yesterday, when the blinking cursor on the screen mocked me for eight hours straight. My husband came home and reminded weepy me: "Look, if it's not fun, you'll need to do step away from the computer for a while and do something else."

Then we had a glass of wine. ... To a better day!

I've just started dropping by, in the last three weeks or so. There's lots of talk here about the 50. May I represent the 51st? I have no means of comparison -- between the old you and the new one -- but I do know that what I see has me coming back here to see what you're up to next.

In my own experience of writing (for newspapers), too, I tend to look back at my old news stories and think, "Wow. I really used to be good." ... It's natural for a writer to be hypercritical of what he/she is working on currently. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that. It sorts of goes with the territory, doesn't it?

I had one of those days yesterday, when the blinking cursor on the screen mocked me for eight hours straight. My husband came home and reminded weepy me: "Look, if it's not fun, you'll need to do step away from the computer for a while and do something else."

Then we had a glass of wine. ... To a better day!

It's a bit like a placebo effect but I do find that just changing the look or template of my blog sometimes gets me excited about it again. Try sprucing up the site a bit and see if it works! You can always go back to this template if you don't like it. In any case, your adoring fans insist that you continue to write and will track you down and force a pen (err...umm...keyboard) into your hands should you choose to let us down. ;)

I've been with you through most of your "evolution" process. I believe I was one of the first few you revealed yourself to and honestly; I felt honored at the time.

It was curiosity that led me to your site that first time. A friend of mine emailed me and suggested that I drop by and provided me with the link to get there. He said something about your being a "Pastor" that uses profanity in his writing. Evidently, that was unheard of in his religious world view. I must admit, it was very rare in my own view, so I used that link and dropped by.

I was taught by my parents, "if it's in the Bible, it must be OK to repeat. I did just that. I would often say "that person simply pissed me off" and some righteous judge would call me aside and remind me that I shouldn't speak such words. That's when I pulled out my Bible knowledge and revealed that the word could be found in Isaiah 36:12. Since then, I have discovered the word "bastard" and added it to my Christianese vocabulary.

As time passed and I continued to read your writings, I found your open, honest attitude quite refreshing and your wisdom mind altering.

You have led us to good pasture and we feasted upon your words many times. Thank You Gordon for allowing us to get to know the Real Live Preacher, whichever version you are writing as this day. We will be here, reading as you continue your process of discovery.

May God continue to light your path and inspire your journey.

Do you need to change your identity? Start another blog, a FakeRLP, something you can keep anonymous? Just a thought...

Frankly speaking, I see no problem at all. What is the probable result of such thoughts? Stopping writing at all? Wrong conclusion. Usually all problems people have are from their thoughts. And usually all problems are false. They are just in your head.

Hey preacher, if you're still looking for your voice, I think I know where it is. I just found it when I went into Bloglines and there you were, right here with me. If you want to know: Latitude, -34.070073. Longitude, 18.824238. Your voice has found its way quite a distance South and East from where it first escaped...

If only I could get paid for this compulsive reading of blogs that I've been doing for so long and somehow can't stop. I have several blogs I like to follow, they come and go companionably, but RLP has become a beloved space for as long as you are spared to continue writing. Where else can I find a preacher who's got a Hell Bible and so much more?

God bless you, RLP, in a new season of searching and digging deep. If you were an African animal, I think you'd be a Honey-guide - the little bird that shows the grumpy old Honey Badger just where to look to find the hidden sweetness, in the hope of scoring a few grubs at the end of the feast!

I happened upon your blog long ago after happening upon the blog 'don't eat alone.' I am not a very religious person, so I do not normally read faith blogs. But, your writing caught my interest, as you post about topics and your point-of-view in a new, thought-provoking way that drew me in and has me returning regularly to read what you care to share.

Again...what you care to share. And thank you, for doing so.

RLP, your voice was one that encouraged my voice. Whether "professional" Gordon or that unknown RLP from San Antonio, you have often put words to the confusion/frustration I've felt in ministry and life, and you've done it once more. I'll be walking and thinking in Wisconsin now...

Gordon, I think that was the first post of yours I ever read. I loved that voice, but I love this voice too... When I started reading you, my son was still napping and I could carry him on my hip. Now he's writing essays in school and I can't lift him at all. One persons opinion: I still love coming to this website. I still find what I'm looking for here, even though it's different that what I used to look for. Hope this makes sense.

I'm glad you missed me. I've missed me too...

As far as RLP, I've been mesmerized by the emergence of Gordon here. When you first revealed your name, I thought, "Gordon?! No way. He can't be a Gordon!" Now that I know you better, the name fits again. But it's still not the same "person" as RLP for me.

Do I miss RLP? Hm. Not really. He's around here somewhere. Instead of full essays of gritty passion, he seems to slip in a line, a paragraph, or a story. I smile when I read it. It's usually the heart of the piece, or the "crux."

Maybe it's a kind of superman/Clark Kent deal. I always loved them both and thought that without the other, they'd be in big trouble.

But then again, maybe all you need is a site redesign. :)

Hey Gordon,
I hope that you hang in there with your blog, but you must do what you think is best. (Sorry to use such a "mom phrase.")
Anyway, thanks for all you have written. You have helped me so often in thinking through so many things about my faith which confuse me. And you have helped me, too, in trying to understand one of my kids and some of the struggles which I think are going on in his journey.
I am a CPA, so math is my comfortable place, but putting thoughts into words makes me crazy. So often your writings make me think - aha, what he just said- that is what I think, but I could never have put it into words. Somehow, when you articulate the thoughts, they are so much less confusing.
Not sure if that made any sense at all, again, I am really a math person, but oh well.
Thank you very much for all you have written.

I didn't bother to read all of the comments, but from the response, you've touched a nerve with your readers.

For my part, I've been an anonymous reader since about 2004, have both of your Christmas cds, and your book. You've been a part of my blog life awhile I suppose.

Saying I liked the Old RLP better would be like looking at my son and saying "Ya know, I liked you better when you were three and you could do no wrong." But I have to remember, even my golden child wasn't perfect. As we mature, remember that stage when you were an awkward teen? Coming to terms with maturing? You didn't want to talk to your parents but ached to talk to someone? Maybe RLP is in it's teen phase? What's nice is that your audience will still be here when you get where you want to be.

And you would expect your three year old to keep a certain themed bedroom forever would you? If you want to change your theme, go ahead, it belongs to you!

You are robbed, dear RLP, of the effects of your writing on a vast majority of your audience. Like Jesus who heals ten and only one returns to say thanks. Some come back and offer feedback, but the appreciation from many may be silent. Write for one, write for 50 or write for thousands, lose your voice, find it again, whatever, but please don't stop writing and talking what you understand to be the gospel and applying it to life here and now. It has a profound effect. I can't count the number of times you have helped me to see something in a new way and have offered my heart the opportunity to break open rather than closed. That you share your struggle is part of the gift. Maybe you're kinda like a radio announcer who never knows that he played just the right song to start out someday's day. May you be blessed, Gordon, in all you do -- professional or otherwise.

So many flecks of wisdom in these comments. I really don't have anything to add to them, except that one of my favorite moments of working for a newspaper has been getting to interview you. Thank you for being who you are.

I would have loved to have been one of the first 50, one of those secret friends. I'll stick around gratefully with the 51+'er crowd following you now, bummed that the circle is too big for me to really ever enter the inner one, but simultaneously thankful for its spread which allowed me to discover it belatedly, such as I have.

I'm feeling for you. I'm no writing professional, but I have a bit of a sense of the consuming compulsions to pour out your thoughts and wrestlings in the written word ("ah, honey," as if said to the husband, "I need to write something down right now before I lose it.") and having others not able to understand what drives you ("right now?!? are you EVER without paper Karla?" the husband inquires), the NEED to pen your thoughts down, and process on paper (or screen). Some people process things out loud; some do it while pounding a keyboard ferociously, pausing, reaching for that perfect word or phrasing, and madly backspacing, cutting and pasting, crafting the sentence, the paragraph, the whole, until the page says what it must say, to your many and varied audiences...the 51+'ers, the inner circle of 50, and (not insignificantly!) the audience that is your very own heart and soul.

And I have a bit of a sense of the feeling of something that was once so energizing and life-giving beginning to feel like work and seem unremarkable. Discouraging, or maddening, depending on the circumstances.

I could go on, but I might begin to sound trite or presumptuous.

Anyway, I'm feeling your ache, and praying it will work itself out in peace and joy as you endure it and work through it to the other side. Peace, my brother, and dear (if new) "imaginary" friend!

Hi RLP,

Some of us old folks still drop in from time to time (Hi Pascale). I still have the complete archive of RLP that I spidered and grabbed for you when it seemed like Salon might go under.

Things change. Your virtual congregation changed -- from a neighborhood bar with an even mix of regulars and wanderers to a popular nightspot frequently written about.

I changed. I no longer write, which I miss terribly, but I changed, and putting food on the table got more imperative.

I do miss the old days sometimes, but time only runs one way. I am hopeful that political changes coming will enable more personal choices.

In the meantime, sending you a beer through cyberspace.

Peace,
Geodog

so sermon writing becomes this as well. are you writing sermons? or sharing good news? that's why there is sabbath/sabbatical...get away...but leave the computer behind. If you have to write, use that old "pen & paper" thing and see what flows down your arm, out your fingers and onto the page....the spirit maybe

paynter

Your voice has been important to me, so many times, for the last 4-1/2 years – mostly because I had thought I was losing my own voice. My admiration and awe of you is only made stronger each time you speak truths that I could or should have unknowingly realized I was seeking for myself…just hadn’t recognized it yet. Your voice helps give me my voice back because it resonates and stirs me to thoughts, action and hope. Sometimes it’s in your doubts you speak the loudest to me…so now, you are speaking loudly to me again.

If it means we need to support you in some way, lend you a “voice” for a while, just as you have for so many of us, then so be it. We’ll wait, we’ll pray, but we’ll be here. You'll be missed terribly but also respected enough to honor your needs too.

Do you remember the laughter and the crying, the silence and the music of the Laity Lodge retreat? I am trying to re-create that everyday, it was a special time and meeting you and Jeanene was a gift. Be as you need to be, Gordon, there will be a lot of us praying you’ll receive what you need, you’re truly a gifted teacher to many of us.

db

--I was cautious about meeting you - mainly because you’ve helped me so much - words seemed inadequate. And now, writing to a writer! Whew - for us non-writers that’s intimidation! :)I kid you not, after writing the first part – I struggled whether to send it, over my Chinese food dinner, wondering if you would even understand my thoughts. Then, I read my fortune cookie -- it was sooo YOU - all summed up neat and pretty on a little slip of paper (now how menacing is that?). I smiled but knew I had to share it too. :)

The fortune read:

A great teacher never strives to explain his vision. He simply invites you to stand beside him and see for yourself.

-Please,I hope you’re not intimidated but it seemed to fit. I, for one, am standing beside you now. Take care, God bless you, Gordon.

Pretty good Post, and having a great time to read that post because when i was read it it going to be more interesting and logical..Keep it up

Regards,
Custom Dissertation | Cheap Term Paper

RLP,

I'm not sure if I was on the first or second 50, but I'm still here.

God has taken me on a circuitous path that led away from here for awhile, but know this: if it weren't for your words, I likely would not be alive today.

Like you, I have been changed with time and experience. There are aspects of the old me that I miss, but not enough to trade the freedom and peace in which I now live. Thank you for planting some of that in my life.

Scott

P.S. I *really* ought to come to your church sometime. I keep forgetting that it's so close (I live in Boerne)