I can understand what you are saying. I watched my father die a long protracted death from cancer and I was unable to explain to my atheist brother how I could continue to believe in God.

The only thing I could say was (and for that matter it still is) 'I don't know, I can't explain it' and that, I think is what many people find difficult. People want a clear clean explanation of what the hell is going on and we Christians can't come up with a satisfactory, plain answer for the pain and suffering. both theories you give have flaws in them, (although I have more time for theory two) and in the center of the pain there is no explanation that stops the suffering.

It feels so inadequate to say anything at all. My thoughts and prayers for you and yours Sarah.

j

I can definitely relate to dealing with these proposed "theories." My wife and I heard them all after our son was stillborn. And I agree with your rejection of them all.

Let me add one more related theory that we often heard (similar to theory 3).

"God did not cause your son to die. He only allowed it to happen."

What a load of "bull-oney" (to steal your word). How can God really grieve with us, and experience our pain if he allows these things to happen? I don't believe it, I can't believe it. I don't believe in a powerless God but I can't believe in a God who allows evil in order to bring about some "greater good." I think God mourns over the brokenness of this world as much as anyone. God doesn't need bad things to happen in order to bring about so-called "better things."

Thank you, Sarah, for giving us this window into your experience. (Thank you, Gordon, for making this space available for this story.)

It's an honor to walk alongside someone who's going through something like this. I wish I could do more than I can, but please know that I hear you and I am thinking of you & your family.

It seems to me that we may learn things from our suffering, but that's not why the suffering happens. It just does. If we try, we can find God in it, as we can find God in anything, and I've found that to be some consolation. But it's not an explanation. I'm not sure there are explanations. Not good ones, anyway.

I will keep you and Thomas and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. May the Source of Comfort shelter you with peace.

Sarah--

I hope you can feel yourself, and Scott, and Thomas, being held up and wrapped in prayer. Shrink yourself down to Thomas' size and crawl into Jesus' lap and let him hold you. Feel yourselves baptized with his tears.

Loving God, we learn from childhood the stories of your miraculous power, and so when we need a miracle and don't get one, it hurts. Help us to trust where we cannot understand. Thank you for those friends who are your hands and feet for us. Fill Sarah and Scott to the very brim with the awareness that they are your hands and feet for their precious child, who is your precious child as well, and let them feel your love and pride in them as well as your grief for them. Be their strength when they have none. Work through them as you work through all those who care for them, in the name of your Son who loves the children. Amen.

Sarah--later on, this book may help you as it helped me after my mother's death: *Play the Ball Where the Monkey Drops It,* by Gregory Knox Jones.

With love,

Carrie

Words cannot express how much I love you guys. You have always been better with words than I.

Beautiful writing. Beautiful boy. Beautiful faith.

~Sandy

My three-year-old boys get extra kisses tonight.

I can add an new wrinkle to your "bad theories." I was in services at my Vineyard Church this Sunday. The sermon was the first of a series on healing. I was prepared to hear theories 1-3 as you expound them and bunkered down in my chair. However a new variation was given, "Blame the healer."
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Apparently, Vineyard Churches (I've only been going for a few months) believe in almost regular healing, and praying openly for healing, loudly and with conviction. "Rebuke the illness," our pastor commanded us. "And it will flee."
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If it doesn't happen, then it may be because the HEALER does not have enough faith; or the HEALER doesn't ask because he/she is afraid of looking foolish; or the HEALER doesn't do it right because "he or she is not trained in how to pray in these situations." (They have classes.)
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So, I guess this is an improvement over not blaming the sick person but I think it still stinks. Yet apparently this is the Vineyard way. Those who don't follow this path are "just conservative evangelicals in vineyard wear." Made me feel like a wolf among the sheep.
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**Sigh**
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I keep leaving churches over issues like this.. I am reaching the point where I think there is something wrong with me as a Christian. I thank you for your post. It helps me to know that it is not me..it's them!!! There are just too many "thems" out there.
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I grieve for your loss. I can't imagine it at all; but even an inkling of the horror makes me cry for you. Sackcloth and ashes seems a better response then theories 1-3.

There is a third theory, which might be, that there is no god at all, to judge or to save. The possibility that god is a device assembled by man to defy a universe without justice.

I think, it changes the question, from why, to what. What actions do we undertake, in this our short lifetime?

It's all rosaries and tea leaves down here. And wind. Mighty winds.

Well, next time I sit with a grieving family and I have my Chaplain badge on and I feel that it is supposed to annoint me with the answers, this post will come to mind.

Thank you for sharing in your grief. May the Lord bless it and use it for His glory, someday.

During my extreme troubles people would often bring Job's suffering to light and tell me 'look at what God gave Job at the end of it all - he got twice what he had before'. My response is a sharp 'he never got his children back - how is that twice as much?'.

There are no answers; but know this: God exists. At the end of the day Job got one thing that trumps everything else - God showed up, even if it were in a somewhat chiding fashion. Sometimes all we need to know is that God is there.

You are in my prayers.

Dearest Sarah,

I do not know you, but we are both mothers, and you are living the deepest fear of my heart. In the face of the kind of grief that you are experiencing, I think people feel like they have to say something, and these kinds of glib "theories" are offered as some kind of explanation, more to help themselves make some kind of "sense" out of the situation than to offer any real comfort to you. The truth is, there are no words.

I am touched by the simple reality that what has been most helpful to you are not empty words, but the kind actions of compassionate friends and loved ones. I will remember this now and always, and I will hold you, your husband, and your little boy in the Light.

Donna

Thank you, sarah, for your powerful words. I will be praying for Thomas and you and your husband.
The best people can be is God's hands and feet for you--as you said, making casseroles and the like. Our words often get in the way. the most honoring thing someone said to me once: "I am so sorry," as in, I'm sorry you have to go through this.
God bless you IN your suffering. May it be a little lighter today.
Love, a friend

To Sarah, for sharing these insights with us in the midst of your suffering.
To Gordon, for making this space available, literally and figuratively.
To all that have supported Sarah, Scott and Thomas on their journey. Blessings be upon you all.

What ever little support we can add here, know we will be here to listen, for better or worse.

Sarah,

So much truth in your post, and so much pain. Thank you for the gift of your honesty and clarity. My heart hurts with you, sister. You and your family are in my prayers. Grace, peace and courage to you all in your difficult journey.

My son was diagnosed with a brain tumor when he was 6. He is 9 now. He has gone through surgery, a year of chemo, and last year gamma knife radiation. Our last MRI about 2 months ago showed us that his tumor was gone. The 3 years in between were filled with alot of searching, crying out and constant seeking of His word through the bible and the Spirit. One thing I heard in a bible study has always stuck with me, "anytime you try and explain who God is, you can't help but minimize Him." He is a mystery. One worth seeking, and one who reveals Himself in many ways. But in the ways of suffering we want a nice tidy little bow on top to explain it all. In my experiences we don't get that this side of heaven. I only found my peace when I accepted that He is sovereign and that I would love Him no matter what. I know that I am grateful that I didn't have to walk this journey alone, I had people of faith, of no faith, friends and family that have walked beside our family. Most of all I have felt God's constant presence in our lives.
Part of what I see from your post is someone who is allowing others to see into their journey of pain and grief, and not trying to fit your idea's about who God is in a box. For both of those I say thank you. No matter how we feel about our lives and what is going on it is a blessing to others to share the journey.
And I too was given a stern "blogging" to by someone who told me I wasn't praying with enough faith, otherwise my son would have been healed.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in God's healing, I just think that He decides not us. We can certainly pray (and we should), ask for the healing, continue to go to Him in prayer, but in the end once we have done what scripture tells us to do, we can rest in His sovereignty.
May God's grace and peace be upon you.

Sarah,
Your deeply wise post calls to my thoughts the boy named Thomas my family lost in 1994, my sister's 10 year old son. I still remember him. I still love him. I still miss him. May God hold you and your beloved little boy tenderly. May God grant you the strength to walk and not faint.

This committed "heathen" was very moved, and feels able to say without any irony: god be with you, and with Thomas.

Well said friend. I lost my sister-in-law in a freak and tragic drowsy driving accident in 1999 on a hot Texas afternoon. She was 21. Her 2 best friends died as well. There are no words to describe our pain. I felt like I had been marked. I would meet new people and all of a sudden blurt out "My sister died!!" or "I'm grieving". They would look at me stunned. It simply overtook me.

It is truly mysterious and I don't understand it, but 9 years later I do know that God is sovereign. Looking back I can see the beauties and gems in my grieving. It was an honor to grieve Adrienne, to memorialize her with my words and pain. And to tell every poor soul I came across. Grief alters you. Maybe God uses it to change you, maybe its just part of living in the fallen human condition, but grief sucks.

Sarah, your words struck a chord deep inside me. As a pastor I've heard horror stories about the awful things we say and do to each other in times of grief. Thank you for a view of what those things do to those who need them least. My family will be praying for yours.

I believe. I can't explain it therefore I no longer try. I just believe. Yet, in my belief, I am not afraid to yell at God and say "WHY????!!!" and/or "Why NOT heal our sweet, wonderful Thomas!???". And even still, in my belief, I recognize that I am just not going to get the answer I want to hear. The reality is, we will lose Thomas. So, I ask God then, what can I do? How can I help? How can I continue on so that I can be there for my own precious daughter during this most awful time? My answer came to me from the scene in the Bible where Jesus is in the garden and he asks his disciples to stay with him awhile. He didn't want their words. He was preparing for the most difficult moment of His life. He just wanted the comfort of them being near. Sadly, they let Him down. I don't have the words of comfort because right now, there just are no words. There is just my heart - and my heart is with her, Scott, and Thomas every moment, every hour, always. I do believe, God, help Thou my unbelief and give me all that I need. I won't let Sarah down.

I knew Sarah as a bubbly redheaded Baylor College student. She had a WILD passion for life and it was awesome thing to be around. We taught 5 year olds together for a short time and I saw the tender mothering side of her. That was awesome to be around also. I wish I could make this horrible time go away for her!

I know what it is like to love someone to Heaven and it sucks! My precious Daddy died of cancer in 2003 at 68.

There is no manual to read (even if there were who would read it). There are no words that will help. There really are no prayers that help either because when someone is praying a pretty “God be with them” prayer you just want to SCREAM...GOD!!! JUST DON"T TAKE HIM!!!

Cancer sucks and I’m not sure we will ever know why it exists but it does and so we carry on...

sarah, i am crying and crying down here.
from this far away, please know that my hand is reaching to squueze yours as you walk this valley.
i am continually touched by your words and mother's heart, and your beautiful *beautiful* baby boy.
am about to make a quip about coffee in an attempt to staunch my tears.
much love,
(up to the moon and back)
katie X

Sarah, thank you for your honesty and instruction. I heard about Thomas through your great aunt, Cindy Graber, a co-worker of mine. I have been sending updates and asking for prayer requests from many, many friends. So, again, you and Thomas and your husband are lifted up in prayer by us.
Sarah, as you are ministered to, you also minister to us with your transpency and honesty. You certainly have ministered to me in this blog. You have touched my life so that I may touch others. I am grateful. I have printed a picture of Thomas and keep it where I pray.

I lost my 4-year old niece Kyra to a brain tumor in 1996.

My 9-year old son was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor in 2003.

Now he is 13 and doing well. We've put some distance from ourselves and the Valley of the Shadow of Death but we can still see it, further away than before.

Some like to say, "she's in a better place".

We believe that, not to believe that would lead to madness.

But as parents we are programmed to believe that there is no better place for our children than at our side. Did God not make us that way?

The woman at my church who runs pre-baptismal groups for prospective parents approached me soon after she heard about my son's brain tumor and said, "well, at least you got him baptized-- now he's good to go"

Maybe so-- wouldn't God take him to Heaven even if I hadn't had him baptized?

Sarah, I pray for your family.

Sarah,

Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts with us. My dad died in 2003 and people were always saying those exact same things. Never once helped me; maybe it helped them. You are right, there is nothing one can say that helps.

Now, I tell people what I most wanted to hear then, "I'm so sorry." And if they're a praying kind of person, I add that I'll pray for them as well.

Your family will be in my prayers,
Brenda

Just two evenings ago at EFM (an Episcopal group study program) one of our members brought an article from Christianity Today by Tony Snow. And, yes I know he's a conservative but that doesn't make him a bad guy.

Anyway, the article is titled "Cancer's Unexpected Blessings". Find it at:
http://www.ctlibrary.com/ct/2007/july/25.30.html

The member bringing the commentary chose to use it for his time to lead our Group Worship. I just went back and reread it again and for some reason felt compelled to bring it to your attention. Not that there are any answers there, I pray that you all will find comfort and wisdom in his thoughts.

As an Episcopalian, I've long found comfort in our dismissal blessing and would offer it to you and your family:
"The Peace of God which passes all understanding... be among you and remain with you, evermore, Amen."

Yeah, a friend sent that Snow thing a while back. That essay might fit for some circumstances, didn't it sit well with me.

It's not only Theory #3, it's Rich White Guy Thinking: it presupposes a life of ease that needs to be shaken up so that the sufferer will take life and faith more seriously. That doesn't fit with most of the world's experience (although I consider myself fairly privilged; I figure if it's not true for the moms in Darfur, though, it's probably not really True about God).

Beyond that, the image of God gleefully rubbing his hands together over my son's four-month-old head and dropping a tumor in so Thomas could go "off road" is totally disturbing. I don't know what the appropriate metaphor is with cancer... a guy struggling with cancer has discussed the trouble with phrases like "fighting cancer" at this blog... http://www.npr.org/blogs/mycancer/2007/04/cancer_is_not_who_i_am.html

I am so sorry about the pain you are living in ... and that this is a part of the story of your life.
So much pain and truth in this post ... I'm with you concerning the theories, heard them all (and still do) after I was severely injured in an accident and am now living with limitations, pain and a deformed leg.

Suffering just plain sucks. Jesus, the Messiah didn't relish the idea of incomparable suffering. He asked His Father, "remove this cup".

I feel that when he says "Thy will be done", it's not because he believes in a theological concept of a "greater good", but rather it comes from a deep love for his omnipotent Father. He releases his spirit to be forsaken by His own Father, because of this love.

The "greater good" concept will never be enough for us to endure suffering and still love God. We must let go of ourselves.

This gets infinitely more difficult when it's not we who are suffering, but our children. So, of course things I am saying cannot solve the problem of pain. Just a few thoughts to perhaps be a part of the journey you are on.

I thank you Sarah for adding your thoughts and experiences to my journey.

Under His Severe Mercy,
Jared

I don't know you, but my thoughts and prayers are with your family tonight. May God continue to guide and comfort you all. Words are not enough... I'm sorry.

You have such a beautiful way with words, it touches me every time I read something you have written. You three are always in my prayers, every day.

Sarah, I so appreciate your deep love for your son and your honesty.

One of my favorite poets is Hopkins--he writes:
"No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,/ More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring./ Comforter, where, where is your comforting?"

I'm praying for you and your family in your pain and in your questions.

When Jesus and his disciples were in a boat during a storm, the disciples became frightened and woke him up. "You of little faith" he said and rebuked the storm.

No matter what, nothing would happen to Jesus. Why? He had faith. He knew why he was here and he knew it wasn't his time. Everything in his life had purpose. Every second. There was no time for tragedies out of line.

Why don't everyone has this faith? Because faith is not something you take. It's something given to you. Circumstances causes a lack of faith and unfortunately or fortunately we get what we believe.

Please don't get mad if someone tells you there wasn't enough faith to prevent a tragedy. It's true. Faith holds the key, but we are not in control of how much faith we have. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have. Knowledge dependent on background, experience, exposure. Books can convince us only that much.

Death sucks...

Life is good...

My sister's oldest daughter died in a bizarre bicycling accident ~6 years ago. She was 17. Bright, gifted, popular. And a believer. Facing the unimanagable grief my sister was going throught I opted to support her from my own spiritual perspectives...

She, of course, more conservative/conventional in her Christian expression than me. But we initiated a series of email exchanges discussing the "where was God" aspect of anyone that has gone through the valley of death's shadow...

That shadow does block the Son. It does. I've seen it up close & personal. And nothing I could say whether it addressed God's integrity or our own human frailty could ease the suffering of my sister...

I realized also that we are fragile, susceptible creatures. And bad things happen to good people all the time. In fact, I have been more aware of tragic circumstances experienced by believers than the happy testimony times...

And yes, I've heard the happy accounts of financial restoration & amazing health recovery, but not one story about God raising the dead child back to life. If that is the comfort derived from the book of Job, then I fail to miss its deeper meanings...

You would think God would not make promises He could not keep. Or at least He would sternly rebuke those people who glibly promise health, wealth, security, prosperity, influence, safety, protection, etc. in His name...

Whack!

Just hit them upside the head with the divine 2x4 of revelation Lord! Yes Lord, do so quickly!

Well, He did not promise us a rose garden. Or a bowl of cherries. Or a life devoid of challenge, disappointment, frustration, pain, tragedy, loss or failure. He didn't promise an explanation, or a divine perspective of contrary events. He didn't promise to be tangible at all times. He is not a divine Teddy Bear. Not a shoulder to cry on in times of trouble. Or a comfort when all hell breaks loose...

We can cry out to Him when frightened, at out wits end, or when our child lies in that hospital bed wracked in agony from incurable cancer. Yes. He does say we can call out to Him at any time...

And I do believe He does hear us. He understands when we don’t. Even when we curse Him & cry out during the turmoil of our souls. He is not angry or shocked or unmoved by our situation. But He does not always alleviate the most desperate of circumstances either...

We live in a crazy world. Really. And God does not appear consistent even when our theology demands that He has to be. That is why Christians are indeed considered a "peculiar" people. We are crazy to believe it all makes sense; that He is in control (whatever that means); that He cares (but not like we as parents care); that He is the source of all good things (how in the hell does bad shit ever become "good'?)...

See, all it takes is divine alchemy. Some divine prestidigitation. I have coined this phrase: the crucible of transmogrification. Look up the word. This isn't the sterile version of what others term transformation. Nope. This is the "rubber-meets-the-road" brand of change that occurs when we are tossed in unawares. Life has no guarantees or warranties this side of Paradise.

But then, maybe this is just the first chapter of the Real Story...

Thank you Sarah for taking time to suspend your grief long enough to write and guide. I do believe that the God/Christ knows your suffering, perhaps like no other.

We who by shear luck escaped your family's sorrow cannot identify no matter what we say. We cannot walk with you, but we can walk a little over to the side, in prayer and deep sympathy.

I'm sure those closest to you have tried to take on a measure of your suffering, but they can't. It isn't their's. Your lonely walk can only be understood by one who has made it. As for the theories of blaming, well they deserve no discussion here. A silly and warped theology unveiling God's plan to strike down the innocent for unknown reasons. What will we think of next in our unending quest to control the mind of God?

This mystery is deep and painful and senseless. But it is a mystery that beckons you all to weigh it with scales of hope. A painful process in itself.

I will be thinking about you all and thinking about my 3 kids who thus far are well. About the best I can do is not take their health for granted.

Sarah (My mother was also a Sarah),

May you, your husband, and Thomas remain in the company of saints who cook the meals, listen, hold your hand, hug you, sit in silence, and never offer "bulloney" and simply offer the love of Christ in their unique way--just what you need when you need it.

May these saints continue to minister to you in the months and years to come. My faith tells me that God will send these saints to surround and sustain you.

My heart and soul aches with you.

All the comments go on about there being a loving God. Perhaps we are just plain wrong. The old testament God is not always a loving God. He is vengeful and wrathful. He brings suffering to bleivers. Perhaps suffering is meant because that's what he wants. It's a view that is much more consistent with older views of religion across the globe.

I've been though what Sarah is going through.

http://ependyparent.blogspot.com/

People from a range of faiths prayed. Didn't do any good. I can't say that my son "learnt" or "discovered the mysteries of God" through his suffering. Yes, he had good times but he still suffered. End of.

And the other theory I heard was that this is God's punishment for original sin.

I do not know if anyone reads this any more; I want to say thanks for trying to express the inexpressible, and I ask that whatever god may answer prayers, will somehow bless each of you.
I always believed in god, and have tried to live a life of giving and serving others, forgiving wrongs and reaching out to those who suffer. Through the untimely deaths of my parents I still believed. Now, my dear wife of many years has had a surgery which left her in constant pain which I cannot help, and all my prayers mean nothing. She has always been loving and giving to others, and now my prayers do not touch any god who will help us. I see the ungodly people live in health and prosperity - yes i have read the psalms - and see my wife suffer day after day and year after year. If any god cannot take better care of his children, then why should we even try? If there IS an all knowing god, then he would know that his silent refusal to help does not create more trust, but only bitterness and a loss of faith.
Sorry - i did not mean to vent so much. but if there is a god, may he bless you.